From the beginning (and probably even before conception) you have a relationship with your child and the most healthy relationships are those that are RECIPROCAL. When both parent and child contribute and are openly receptive a wonderful flowing bridge can be created. On the one hand this means that both feel seen, recognized and appreciated. On the other hand, something other than the two individuals is able to live and weave (her) magic between.
How can you have a reciprocal relationship with a newborn baby? You nurture this way of relating by cultivating a gesture of open invitation. Magda Gerber suggests treating your baby as an “honored guest”. Here are three suggestions of how to do this:
- Slowing down
- Using touch as communication
- Observing
SLOWING DOWN
Your new baby is working very hard at learning! So many highly complex processes are happening in these early days and it is good to remind yourself of this from time to time. When you are talking to someone who is working hard it is usually best to find moments when they are not fully engaged in what they are doing. For the baby they are constantly learning while awake, so how do you find these moments? I believe through providing a calm and simple environment for your newborn. This provides less distraction and the calm and simple environment in itself can be like an invitation. For example, look at these two pictures of a baby’s room. Which one is simple and calm?
You can think of a calm simple environment in many ways, not only through what it looks like. Here are some other things to consider: What about the sound environment? The fluctuations in temperature? How much movement and busyness? What smells and aromas are in the space? What is the tactile environment? You are part of the environment too! Trying to be present and in the moment is helpful in any relationship!
Babies are able to interact with you from the very moment they are born. However, their response time is significantly longer than an older child or adult. One way of thinking about communicating with your baby is the idea of “serve and return” – a phrase borrowed from tennis. To “serve” you might offer your breast to the child. He “returns” the serve by latching on and then he continues the pattern with his sucking, then the milk responds by flowing. You could say that such an interaction is instinctual and yes, your baby will be using his instincts a lot in the early days. But gradually he will be able to free himself from his instincts and be able to choose how he responds or initiates in a relationship. You can understand a baby’s cries as being a “serve” or invitation. How you “return” or respond it up to you! What is important is that there is a response. Through responding we are not “giving in” or spoiling the baby – we are teaching him about active relationships.
So make sure you wait and slow down for your baby so that he can be an active partner in your relationship.
Moments of care giving such as diaper changing, bathing and nursing are crucial to building a two-way relationship with your child. Slowing down, inviting your baby’s participation through your gestures and narrating what you are going to do are all ways to do this. Some video resources on this type of caregiving are available on Youtube from Beginning Well:
- How to hold and carry a baby so that he feels safe and sound
- Daily care with empathy
- Gentle hands for more self-esteem
TOUCH
Consider touch and proximity as your main form of communication in these early days. Your hands are the baby’s world! Gentle touch can be like an invitation, a baby may move towards a gentle carress on their cheek or skin. On the other hand, certainty can also be conveyed through touch, which gives the baby a sense of security. Swaddling while sleeping can be comforting for babies, who are not yet in control of their limbs. Often newborns wake themselves up with random movements of their arms or legs, so most practioners who work with babies know that swaddling is helpful until the baby has more control over their movements.
Another aspect of touch is was described originally by Plato, who said that the gaze of our eyes is a kind of touch. It is good to give your baby uninterrupted time to explore the world through looking around. They don’t need anything fancy to look at! Colours on the walls, changes in light, shadows etc. can be a lot to process in these early days.
OBSERVATION
How will you know how to respond best to your baby? The only way to know how you are doing and to learn about your baby is to observe them. The more you observe the more you will learn who they are and how to meet their needs. You can observe in many ways and it is good to observe your child when they are healthy well and happy as well as when they are not so well. Here are some suggestions:
- Use your eyes to observe the colour of her skin (pale / rosy); her eyes (sparkly / dull); how she moves (easily / jerkily)
- Use your ears to learn to differentiate variations in the sounds he makes – crying, cooing etc.
- Use your sense of smell to guide you to a feeling of whether your baby is digesting well, has an ear infection etc. Baby’s breath should smell sweet and fresh.
- Use your sense of touch to feel whether your baby is warm or clammy and cold
SUPPORT FOR THE PARENT
Although having a newborn can be exhausting, you will find moments of joy will help you through this time and can be regenerative. Another way to restore your life forces is to live a rhythmic life and to be in nature as much as you can. Just as love and warmth help your baby grow and develop, this also helps you!
When you have a newborn baby, there is the feeling that the heavenly world is closer than during regular life. Even seeing your baby sleeping can be an experience that gives you a feeling of wonder and awe. The first time you look into your baby’s eyes is like looking into another world. During these early weeks the angels are close by and can be a helpful support.
Saying yes to the baby, to your growing relationship and the changes in your life are also important!
So many thoughts….. I’d love to hear yours! Kate